THE SCIENCE OF MONSTERS.
OR: How you too can be a “professional” monster hunter.

darwin

Charles Darwin. A real scientist who studied animals and stuff.

Bigfoot. The Loch Ness Monster. The infamous Chupacabra. You may call them bullshit, but there is a whole community of “experts” out there who call them science! Specifically, a little known branch of the life sciences called cryptozoology!

Coined in 1955 by Dr. Bernard Heuvelmans, a real scientist, cryptozoology was originally intended to be a form of zoology that took into account local folklore when searching out new species. Since then, three generations of cranks, mystics, and glue-huffers have pissed all over the field, turning Dr. Heuvelmans’ legacy into fodder for countless specials appearing on The History Channel.

For the last few weeks my lovely wife, Kat Rocha, has been exploring the weird, wild world of lake monsters, bats boys, and modern day dinosaurs over at her blog, Unreadable Disk Error. And recently she learned that ANYONE can become a professional monster hunter. In fact, you can even get your own degree in cryptozoology by way of a “totally legit” online course at UniversalClass.com. Or you can just do what most real-life monster hunters do, which is to just start calling yourself an expert and wait for The History Channel to come calling.

To hear these “professionals” talk, creatures of mystery are EVERYWHERE! Or so you’d think. Yet in all their research, no monster hunter has ever found a bigfoot or a death rabbit roaming the streets of my hometown, San Diego. Now, Doctor Josh Finney has never been one to shy away from a challenge. And since anyone can be a professional monster hunter, I decided it was time I hit the streets and locate San Diego’s undiscovered wildlife! Here are the fruits of my expedition…

Cherry-Head

This photograph, known as the “Vacant Lot” sighting, is the most compelling proof of the Bush Leaper to-date.

Bush Leaper
When settlers first arrived in San Diego the native tribesmen came to them with a frightening legend, tales of a savage wildman that roamed the great planes of Poway. Soon every man, woman, and child learned to fear El Saltador de Pendejo, or “Bush Leaper.” Although descriptions vary, the Bush Leaper is said to be roughly eight feet tall, covered in orange lizard scales, and have the face of an angry demon. Just another spooky Indian myth? Maybe not. Lurid accounts of this creature attacking livestock date all the way back to 1971, when California newspapers printed the story of one Juan Jimenez. A simple farmer living in El Cajon, Juan and his family were awoken on the evening of May 7th to the sound of their favorite donkey, Annebell, mewing in pain. According to Juan, “I run outside and I see it….the big f—ing Pendejo. He was punching my donkey. Just punching and punching and punching. Ay que la chingada! So I shoot the f—ing Pendejo with my gun and he f—ing run away.” Soon farmers all over the region were coming forward with similar accounts. All of them describe a hulking “Pendejo” coming on their land to donkey punch. To this day, sightings of the Bush Leaper continue.

Pictured above is the famous “Vacant Lot” photograph of the monster. Taken by renowned cryptozoologist, Doctor Josh Finney, this image is the best evidence that the Bush Leaper is indeed a true-life creature of mystery and not a myth as some believe. Hundreds of scientists, including Carl Sagan and Albert Einstein, have seen photographs before. None will dispute that they do, in fact, exists. And this image of the Bush Leaper has been proven to be the genuine item. It is indeed a real photograph taken with a real camera.

flyman

Indian god? Or experiment gone wrong? Only time and millions of dollars in research grants will provide much needed answers to this modern conundrm.

The Flyman
This striking photo was taken near the Marine Base at Miramar, only mere miles away from the headquarters of the infamous Genentech Corporation. Notice how Flyman is peeking out from behind the local flora, proving this photograph is not a composite or a fake of any kind. This is a REAL photograph taken in a REAL place. This is undeniable, regardless of what skeptics say.

Some say Flyman has his roots in ancient Indian legend. Before the Armenian settlers pushed the native peoples out of San Diego it is said the T’winn-Kee Tribe feared a god who was half man, half insect. Called Bugsy, it was said this god would swoop down in the dark of night and feed on the dung of their animals…then mate with them. Could the Flyman be this same airborne beast that terrorized the Indians so long ago? Maybe, but there is another theory.

Eugenics!

Some say Flyman is the result of military breeding experiments over seen by Genentech. Could Flyman be a modern day Frankenstein? A soldier/fruit-fly hybrid created by science gone amok? So far, the Federal Government isn’t talking. Neither are scientists. After hundreds of unanswered calls to both the National Park Servics and The Children’s Museum, it was clear neither wanted to address this growing concern.

Socko

Could this be a modern, living dinosaur?

The Dokken
For decades scientists have theorized about dinosaurs. What were they? Where did they live? Did they breath fire, or simply cluck and scratch at the ground as some experts suspect? Well the much needed proof could be lurking just beneath the waters of a small lake in San Diego, California.

Recently Miramar Lake has been host to hundreds of sighting of a creature that resembles a pleasingosaurus. The monster was first spotted in 1987 when a group of teens decided to visit the lake after attending a rock concert. As the story goes, one of them had fallen ill and was vomiting in the water when a “huge smelly thing” rose up and attacked! The teens fled for their lives, only to be pulled over by police five minutes later due to erratic driving. As the report states, the driver claimed to be fleeing “a great big sh-t monster.” Since then, Miramar Lake has attracted thrill seekers, amateur scientists, true-believers, and even some credible witnesses!

To-date the best evidence for the Dokken being fact is a photograph taken by Doctor Josh Finney. Pictured above, Dr. Finney’s photo shows a rare daylight sighting of the beast. At first glance the saurian traits are undeniable. While paleontologists question how a  species that perished 65 million year ago could have found its way to a manmade lake constructed in 1981, I offer them this simple explanation: Aliens. To this day we still don’t know how dinosaurs came to Earth. Is it not possible they are in fact the beasts of burden, created by and for a superior alien intelligence? Is it also not possible these same aliens have now returned, and are using Lake Miramar as an “aquatic barn” of sorts for their aqua dino horses? No one has yet to offer a more plausible counter argument.

About Dr. Josh Finney

Dr. Finney is an author and sometimes artist. His titles include: Titanium Rain, Utopiates, and OBJECTIVE: Terminus. All are currently available at Amazon.com.
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