I realize many of you out there today are feeling something hollow inside. Specifically a hole in your heart roughly the size of a cheap stone replica of the Maya calendar wheel, you know the kind….the type sold online, along with Native American crud sticks and authentic glass dowsing crystals made in Hong Kong.
Yes, for some of you the passing of Dec. 21, 2012 will mean you have one less innocuous date to spend the hours of your empty lives worrying about, preparing for, watching recycled History Channel documentaries about. Yes, it is truly a great loss for you, the terminally stupid, and those who prey upon your wallet. Or is it?
Hi. I’m Josh Finney, and I am here to help. Did you know the Mayans actually had yet ANOTHER prophecy? One that’s actually true? Yep! It’s true. It’s so true, in fact, that the world’s governments and scientists have been keeping it a secret ever since its discovery in Barstow, back in 1941. It’s called the Cosmic Rhimjaubb Prophecy, and for the safety of you, your family, and your pets, it’s high time you become informed.
How did I come to learn these secret truths? It’s easy. I, Josh Finney, am an author of science fiction. And when it comes to stuff like this, we sci-fi writers have special insight—L. Ron Hubbard, Alan Moore, Terence McKenna, Whitely Strieber, and Joseph Smith…hell, even that hack Dan Brown! We all have the answers to the hard questions like…
-When will the world end?
-What Planet does God live on?
-Why are aliens interested in my anus?
-Did the Vatican suppress the true meaning of the word “Taco-rrific”?
-And much, much more!
For only three installments of $19.95 I can now enlighten you with the secret knowledge that only I, Josh Finney, science fiction author and unlikely prophet, am blessed with knowing. For instance, do you know about…
-The mystery of the dark planet, Bractune?
-The date of first contact with aliens, and why it will spell the end of reality TV?
-Sir Isaac Newton’s “Christ Is Almost Here This Time, Seriously” theorem?
-UFOs are really time machines.
-Aztecs invented basket ball, and the NBA is suppressed the game’s true rules?
-How three easy installments of $19.95 can save your eternal soul?
In short, do you know the truth of the Rhimjaubb Prophecy? No. No, you do not. Pay me. Get informed. Before it is too late. And if you still don’t believe, see my upcoming special on the History Channel, “Rhimjaubb Prophecy: Stupid Never Goes Out Of Style”.
For the sake of all humanity, PLEASE share this with EVERYONE today on Facebook!